Dragonlance: The Musical!
by FeanorusRex
Summary: A parody of the fantastic musical of the Legends trilogy. Starring our beloved Raistlin.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Bit of background: The Last Trial is a Russian musical about the Legends trilogy. While Russia is screwed up, the musical is amazing. Russian people are very hot.

Electric guitars and violins sound. Astinus appears and begins speaking Russian.

Raistlin, from off stage: English, idiot!

Astinus: Yeah, yeah, attend the tale of Sweeney Todd.

Raistlin: Raistlin!

Astinus: Sorry, the tale of Raistlin Majere, and those who hated him and those who loved him, then realized what an out and out jerk he was and then hated him too.

Raistlin bursts dramatically on to the stage and begins to sing Aria of the Mage.

Raistlin: ...these eyes that look through flesh can be pretty rad sometimes, for example, I can see through all your clothes.

Audience: What the HELL, you pervert!

Astinus, from off stage: Get back on the script!

Raisltin: Well, the point of this song is how fine I am and I think that's established so...

Takhisis enters, Raistlin's dreams, and sings the first of her many amazing songs.

Caramon: Raist, wake up!

Raistlin: I'm trying to sleep! Can't you see that? Why are you waking me up?

Caramon: It advances the plot.

Raistlin: Oh, right.

Someone knocks on the door.

Messenger: Open the door! It's raining out here! Mail for Raistlin Majere!

Raistlin goes to the door, the high heeled boots he's wearing making clicking sounds on the floor to get the letter.

Raistlin: Some cleric wants to see me.

Caramon: I'll come too!

Raistlin: No! Leave me alone.

He storms into the rain in his fancy boots and walks all the way to Palanthas (in heels) because he is extremely talented like that.

Scene 2:

Raistlin enters and sees Crysania.

Raistlin: By the gods, you're hot!

Crysania: What?!

Raistlin: I said, I said good evening.

Crysania: Yes, hi. I came to say that Paladine is pretty mad about this ascending to godhood thing you got going on and if you don't stop, he'll burn you to ashes.

Raistlin: Violent and beautiful! What a woman!

Crysania: What?!

Raistlin: Nothing! I asked if I should tell you my evil plan.

Crysania: Yes, then maybe you'll stop hitting on me.

Raistlin sings a lot of pretty stuff about light and darkness.

Raistlin: ...and THAT'S why I should become a god!

Crysania: That's the stupidest this I've ever heard.

Raistlin coughs violently.

Crysania: Ew, tell me you're not contagious! I guess I should offer to help you.

Raistlin: Yes! Lay your lovely hands on me!

Crysania: One more remark, mage, and I swear...

Raistlin: I said, please help me.

Crysania prays over him and leaves.

Rasitlin: What a lovely woman.

Astinus: Did you like her? I thought you acted rather cold and distant.

Raistlin: Oh no, really?

Astinus: No, get out. I'm busy.

Scene 3:

Crysania is praying in her Temple.

Crysania: Father, let me save him!

Paladine: That's a really bad idea, actually.

Crysania: No, it isn't!

Paladine: Yes, it is!

Crysania: Fine! I don't need you!

Paladine, to her retreating back: Fine!

Scene: Conclave of Mages

Par Salian: Raisltin Majere's such a punk.

Other Mages: Amen!

Par Salian: So what can we do?

Dalamar, descending as the Deus Ex Machina: I can teleport a cleric who's in love with him and his brother back in time to Istar. They can can help.

Par Salian, to Crysania: In love with RAISTLIN? You must have low standards.

Crysania: I'm not in love!

Other Mages: And why's he is Istar? What a dump.

Dalamar: Did any of you ever hear what I just said?

Par Salian: Yeah, go for it.

Dalamar: And have I showed you my chest?

The Straight Male/Lesbian Women Mages: No one has any interest in your chest, Dalamar.

Everyone Else: Actually, we wouldn't mind-

Par Salian: NO! No one is taking their clothes off! Dalamar, sit down. Good gods, I work in a kindergarten.


	2. Chapter 2

Scene 4

Astinus: Crysania and Caramon went back in time. Crysania went to find Raistlin, abandoning Caramon.

Crysania: Look, this city's so beautiful!

She grabs Raistlin's hand.

Crysania: Come and be saved!

Raistlin: It's going to take a bit more effort than that. But I do enjoy holding hands with you.

Crysania drops his hand and glares at him.

The King Priest enters, looking rad as hell.

King Priest: THE KING PRIEST IS IN THE HOUSE!

Istarians: AYEEEEE!

The King Priest and Istarians sing a ballad about killing people with wonderful guitar solos and strobe lights.

Crysania: This is awful!

Raistlin: Yes, I prefer harp music myself-

Crysania: No, I meant the, never mind.

Crysania goes and yells at the King Priest.

King Priest: Tie her up!

Scene 5

Raisltin: Caramon, I see you've been jailed already.

Caramon: It's your fault!

Raistlin: Yes, I'm sure it is, now go kill stuff or this really hot girl who likes me is going to die,

Caramon: A girl likes YOU? That's weird.

Raistlin: Go kill stuff!

Caramon kills a Minotaur.

Scene 6

The King Priest pushes Paladine over the edge and the god begins to hurl fiery mountains. Raistlin teleports away with Caramon and Crysania.

Crysania: Raistlin, you can stop holding on to me, we've arrived.

Raistlin, removing his arm from her waist: Sorry, didn't realize I still was.

He winks at the Audience.

Audience: Smooth, bro.

Scene 7

Raistlin tells Crysania about how he 'really' wants to become a god to get back at Takhisis for killing his mother.

Audience: Ha, you liar!

Crysania: Oh, that's so sad. Of course I'll help you!

Audience: Sucker.

Raistlin: Ok! we'll go tomorrow.

Scene 8

Raistlin and Crysania sit on opposite sides of the stage, singing.

Raistlin: I'm in love with a cleric, how scandalous!

Crysania: I'm in love with a black robed mage, how scandalous!

Raisltin: I have it all under control, though.

Crysania: Perhaps we could get married...

Raistlin: She's so beautiful...

Crysania does some very cool philharmonics.

Raistlin and Crysania: I did love you, even as I saw you, ever as it did not matter that I did not know your name!

Astinus, from off stage: Stop with the Sweeney Todd, guys. And you DID know each other's names.

Raisltin and Crysania walk towards each other and kiss passionately.

Audience, cheering: WE SHIP YOU!

Raisltin, gasping for breath: So THIS is what I've been missing!

Takhisis enters.

Takhisis: Raistlin! Stop kissing that horrible woman!

Raistlin: Quickly! Get off me!

Crysania: But...

Raistlin: Takhisis is here!

Crysania: Well shit.

She leaves.

Raistlin, to Takhisis: I was busy!

Takhisis: Yes, good thing I interrupted before you got any 'busier.' Why are you hanging out with her anyway? She's a bad influence.

Raistlin: I'm using her and my brother to attain godhood.

Takhisis: Ah, treachery! Now I approve!

Caramon overhears this.

Caramon: Raistlin, I feel so betrayed! I'm leaving you!

He walks off stage but comes back after Raisltin goes to sleep.

Caramon, starting to sing: Brother...

Raistlin, waking up: I thought you were leaving me; are you trying to torment me by singing? Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?

Caramon: Fine! I'm really leaving now!

Raistlin: Fine! Heck, why wait 'till morning, let's do this Abyss thing now.


	3. Chapter 3

Scene 9

Raistlin and Crysania open the Portal. Takhisis separates Raistlin and Crysania. He is attacked by a hot female demon and a teenager.

Raistlin: Ah! So cracks a noble, well, not a noble, heart. So cracks a cunning heart, good night, sweet, well not sweet, mage...

He begins a long soliloquy about life, death, love and betrayal.

Audience: Die already!

Raisltin dies. Crysania runs on stage.

Crysania: Raistlin, what's happened to you?

Takhisis: He's dead, duh.

Crysania: Hell no!

She performs CPR. Raisltin dramatically gasps and wakes up.

Takhisis: I'm striking you blind for that!

Crysania: Ahh!

Raisltin: BWAHAHAHA, I was just using you, good bye!

Crysania: Ugh, I'll have to go back to Paladine. Bloody mage...

She storms off stage, walking remarkably well for a blind woman.

Takhisis: You becoming a god is a really bad idea.

Raistlin: I can't hear you over the electric guitars and how awesome I am.

Astinus: And so, Raistlin became a god. The end!

Audience: WHAT?!

Astinus: Yeah, I was lying, there's an alternate ending. So as I was saying: And so Raistlin became a god, the end, unless someone will help me...I said, UNLESS SOMEONE WILL HELP ME...

Caramon runs on stage.

Caramon: We have to stop my brother!

Caramon enters the Abyss and sees Raisltin fighting Takhisis.

Caramon: I know, I'll distract him! Look Raist, bunnies!

Raistlin, turns toward his brother: Whaaa?

Takhisis takes advantage of this and sits on him.

Raistlin: Ow!

Caramon: You can't be a god or you'll end up cannibalizing yourself!

Raistlin: I didn't know you knew the word 'cannibalizing.' But fine, I won't be a god. Thwarted again.

Caramon: And you have to stay in the Abyss forever.

Raistlin: WHAT?!

Caramon: Bye!

Scene 9

Astinus: Years later...

Crysania walks on stage, led by an actually tiger because that's how high caliber this production is.

Raistlin: I'm back!

Crysania, to her tiger: Kill him!

Raistlin: Wait! When I was in the Abyss I dreamed of you!

She snorts.

Crysania: How sweet.

Raistlin and Crysania sing a slightly confusing duet about kids these days not accepting them and their deep, physiological needs for love. (AN: I'm not kidding, this is really in the musical. Go listen to the song Fate)

Raistlin: All I ever wanted was to be loved!

Raistlin Fangirls From The Audience (which is pretty much the entire Audience): WE'L LOVE YOU!

Astinus: And THAT'S the end!

Audience Member One: I don't get it.

Audience Member Two: Great singing, though.

THE END


End file.
